> ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL !!!
>
> A hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the
> Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Wednesday with its
> epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly,
> muttering "kinell".
>
> The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage.
> Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa
> del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out
> cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros
> arrived.
>
> Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and
> bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that
> something interesting had happened in Basildon . One resident - Tracy
> Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my
> little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My
> youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I
> was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the
> next morning."
>
> Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried
> on as normal.
>
> The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
> Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers
> are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities
> of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from
> Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.
>
> HOW CAN YOU HELP?
>
> This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
> unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
> sought after - items most needed include:
> Fila or Burberry baseball caps
> Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
> Shell suits (female)
> White stilettos
> White sport socks
> Rockport boots
> Any other items usually sold in Primark.
>
> Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same.
> Required foodstuffs include:
> Microwave meals
> Tins of baked beans
> KFC
> Ice cream
> Cans of Special Brew.
>
> 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
> £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
> £5 buys **** and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
>
> **BREAKING NEWS**
>
> Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry
> alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut...
> "Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
> "Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"
>
> Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they
> won't be able to read it, anyway.
>
> A hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the
> Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Wednesday with its
> epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly,
> muttering "kinell".
>
> The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage.
> Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa
> del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out
> cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros
> arrived.
>
> Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and
> bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that
> something interesting had happened in Basildon . One resident - Tracy
> Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my
> little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My
> youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I
> was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the
> next morning."
>
> Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried
> on as normal.
>
> The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
> Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers
> are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities
> of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from
> Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.
>
> HOW CAN YOU HELP?
>
> This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
> unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
> sought after - items most needed include:
> Fila or Burberry baseball caps
> Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
> Shell suits (female)
> White stilettos
> White sport socks
> Rockport boots
> Any other items usually sold in Primark.
>
> Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same.
> Required foodstuffs include:
> Microwave meals
> Tins of baked beans
> KFC
> Ice cream
> Cans of Special Brew.
>
> 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
> £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
> £5 buys **** and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
>
> **BREAKING NEWS**
>
> Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry
> alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut...
> "Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
> "Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"
>
> Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they
> won't be able to read it, anyway.
