Discuss Terrible jokes in the British & UK Tiling Forum area at TilersForums.com.

J

jimbob

Sorry!.....

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please barman'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.
In walks the rabbit and says 'A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please barman'
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, but we are right out of the ham and cheese toasties'
The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice cheese and onion toastie!'
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it?'
The barman, with a nervous smile, says 'Do you think I would let down one of my best friends?' I know you will love it!'
'Ok', says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a cheese and onion toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit consumes the beer and toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves . . .
. . . . NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.
When he is cleaning down the empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you?', to which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
Masses came to see you and this place was famous. The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any ham and cheese toasties. You had a cheese and onion one instead.
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit
'NO!', said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Mixin-me-toasties.
 
J

jimbob

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ?
'I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'
'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to SeaWorld .'
 
J

jimbob

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.
"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor
"Your mother must have been a carrier"
 
C

CON5933

A woman, who after 20 years of marriage is worried about her non existent sex life with her husband, goes to see her doctor....he refers her to a 'sexologist'..
She turns up at the 'sexologists' office to find an old chinese man...
she explains the problem..
"The spark seems to have disappeared from our relationship...he doesn't make love to me any more"
"ok" he says "take off all your clothes"...
the woman is a bit dubious...but if it'll help...she thinks...she strips off...
"ok" he says turn around and get on all fours"...
crimson with shame but thinking...he knows what he's doing...she gets on all fours...
"now" he says "crawl away from me toward the wall on the left"
she crawls away...
"ok" he says "come back and from the same position crawl toward the wall on the right"
again, she does as he says..
"ok" he says "you can get dressed now..
she gets dressed and he lets her compose herself..
she asks him..."what is it...what do you think the problem is?"
he leans forward and says " you have edzakary disease..."
the woman is shocked to hear this..."what??? a disease?? what is edzakary disease?"
He smiles and says..."it's when your face look edzakary like your a**e"...:):lol:
 

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