funny put downs

[mikethetile]

we were working on an extension for a right nightmare of a woman who never once offered us a cuppa , one day she asked the scaffolder if it was ok if she let her dog into the garden

of course you can madam ,he said, perhaps it will remember where it buried the kettle

 

[b30 villain]

Pal of mine went to the pub avout half eight still in his work gear. Mouthy woman started ribbing him about wearing the same clothes all day to which he replied "at least i had a shave this morning".:lol:

 

[Peter]

The other week, a joiner on site was going round at the end of the job to measure up. The labourer said to him "Are you away to measure up? You don't need such a big tape measure".

Another one was about two years ago on a job with a squad of tilers. There was a father and son and a few others. One of the tilers said at the teabreak "I had a dream last night that I was riding Jenny (their daughter/sister), it was so realistic and she was an animal". The young apprentice piped in "Did you have it up her hole?". Needless to say the father and son didn't find it as amusing as everyone else.

 

[Spud]

The other week, a joiner on site was going round at the end of the job to measure up. The labourer said to him "Are you away to measure up? You don't need such a big tape measure".

Another one was about two years ago on a job with a squad of tilers. There was a father and son and a few others. One of the tilers said at the teabreak "I had a dream last night that I was riding Jenny (their daughter/sister), it was so realistic and she was an animal". The young apprentice piped in "Did you have it up her hole?". Needless to say the father and son didn't find it as amusing as everyone else.

i am surprised there wasnt a punch up

 

[jamie B]

my fave is one I heard off a site agent whilst describing a plumber (I think!..oh memory loss!) his line was "He couldn't pour P*** out of a shoe if the instructions were on the heel"..I use that one all the time!

 

[The Legend; Phil Hobson RIP]

When I used to do big sites, a question often asked to a new hand, was have you never been on a big job? as a young tiler my answer was always "no but I've been on two little ones"

 

[doug boardley]

one of my mates was being teased about the size of his todger, his reply......"it might be small but it can fill a pram"

 

[ScottG13]

A mate of mine was arguing with another kids dad and came out with 'Just because you've got hair round your mouth, dont mean you've got to talk like a ****'

 

[mikethetile]

I was working away on a job when I was an apprentice and the job was being run by the firms plumber

he was full of himself and like a little hitler, he couldnt have kids so we used to call him jaffa which really annoyed him

every week he would bring 5 hard boiled eggs , one for each day and every day he would crack the shell on his forehead before peeling it, one day we hatched a plan {groan} to replace the egg with an unboiled one. I ended up sitting next to him on a stack of scaffold boards and for some reason he changed tack and cracked the egg on the board. after we had all stopped laughing he said to me whats that, pointing at the egg spilt on the board , what have you been doing

I replied ,,,,,,,,,,,its not mine ive got tadpoles in mine

 

[doit4u]

One day when I was in the army the adjutant's wife was in the mess wearing large medallion on a chain round her neck. I asked her what the medal was for. She jokingly replied it was for being mayor of Cyprus. Without thinking I asked if she had checked the spelling on the citation. She just laughed but he husband was not amused.

 

[Dan]

my fave is one I heard off a site agent whilst describing a plumber (I think!..oh memory loss!) his line was "He couldn't pour P*** out of a shoe if the instructions were on the heel"..I use that one all the time!

I'll have to remember that one, the 'he couldn't run a pee'up in a brewery' has worn well thin. And the 'about as good as a chocolate fireguard/kettle' one's pretty expected these days.