Golf and the leprechaun

[Gazzer]

A golfer in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from his cart and poured some over the leprechaun's head, reviving him.

"Aargh. What happened?" The little guy said.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer said.

"Oh, I see. Well you got me fair and square. You get three wishes, so what would you wish for."

"Thank God you are alright," the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you are alright, and I apologize."

And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the leprechaun says to himself.
"I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want......a great golf game, all the money he needs......and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he hits a bad drive into the woods and the leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made you hit that golf ball here," the little fellow says. "I just wanted to ask you how your golf game is?"

"My game is fantastic," the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds,"By the way, I'm glad to see your OK now."

"Oh I'm fine now, thank you. I did that for your golf game you know. And tell me, how's your money situation?"

"Why its just wonderful," the golfer states. "When I need money I just put my hand in my pocket and pull out 100 Euro notes I didn't know I had."

"I did that for you too. And tell me, how's your sex life?"

The golfer blushes and turns his head away in embarrassment and says shyly, "Its OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the leprechaun. "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more the golfer looks around and whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What?" responds the leprechaun in shock."That's all, only once or twice a week?"

"Well," said the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic Priest in a small Parish."

 

[Gazzer]

A woman was at the hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned her trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.You're crazy to want to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're flying Continental," was the reply, "We've had a great deal."

"Continental," exclaimed the hairdresser.... "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll stay at this exclusive little place over by the Tiber called Teste."

"Don't go any further, I know that place. Everybody thinks it's somewhere special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to the Vatican and hope to meet the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million others trying to see the Pope. He'll be the size of an ant.
Boy. Good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You are going to need it."

A month later the woman went back to have another hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we bang on time at Rome with Continental's brand new fleet of planes, but it was overbooked, and we were upgraded to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 22 year old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was fantastic. They've just had a £5 million makeover and now it's a jewel; the best hotel in the area. They were overbooked too, so we were given the penthouse suite for no extra charge."

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all very well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were very lucky, as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope liked to meet some of the visitors, and if we would be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the Pope would personally greet us."

"Sure enough, within a few minutes, the Pope walked in and shook our hands." I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh really, what did he say?"

He said," Who the FxxK did your hair?"