Joke thread

[High Peak Tiling]

[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]Though id see if we can get a joke thread going... I receive joke texts everyday from lads on site.. so I thought why not pass them on [/FONT]

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the Romanians say they will take all the gold ,silver ,bronze ,copper , lead and anything else they can lay there hands on at the winter Olympics

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just seen an interview on telly about this family in somerset and how for 5 weeks they have been stranded in there home short on rations no clean drinking water , and he spotted a rowing boat belonging to the red cross and he shouted to them ; have you come to bring us supplies and rescue us ; the man from red cross said ; no were collecting for Syria .

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the irish ice hockey team have pulled out of the Olympics due to health and safety reasons , coach paddy murphy said he's not letting his team out there it's to feckin slippy .

 

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I'm going to set up a business in india and have the call centre in Glasgow , see how they like it .

 

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It's weird how sweet corn maintains its original shape after you poo.

But tastes totally different afterwards.

 

[afright]

They've brought the navy in to help now.

 

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the wife kept leaving magazine's around the house with the page open on the jewellery page with little circles around them , o.k I got the hint , so I'm buying her a magazine rack

 

[widler]

15yr old comes downstairs wearin his best suit+carryin a torch.Dad asks "where u goin dressed like that with a torch?" Boy replies "im goin courting." Dad then tells boy how he used 2 go out courting,but said he never took a torch.Boy replied "Yeah, and look what you ****in ended up with."

 

[John Benton]

My mate phoned and asked what I was doing.

I whispered, "At the minute I have my c**k in my wife's mouth."

"Nice one," he laughed. "Tell her I said hi."

I replied, "No way, I don't want to wake her up."

 

[White Room]

I farted on the bus today and 4 people turned around.

I felt like I was on "The voice"

 

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to all you beautiful women out there who received a valentines card. "nice one" , to all you fat girl's chin up it's pancake day next week .

 

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i should go on splash , there's one dive I can do Tom daley can't do
muff dive .

 

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my wife was doing a crossword when she said ; whats a 5 letter word beginning with A that means one more time , I said try Again , she said what's a 5 letter word beginning with A.

 

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https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=1330832063118&set=vb.1000483706&type=2&theater

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View attachment 57443

 

[tommyzooom]

I was called back to the Doctors today, and he took me and the wife into his office and sat me down to break the news......

It seems I'm suffering from colour-blindness...
Talk about a bolt from the yellow

 

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The secret to a good Marriage is to have sex 3 times a week and at least once with your wife !

 

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Two husbands were having a conversation, First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

 

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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

 

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A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.” The friend says, “Why not?” The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

 

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In the Times on Wednesday​

 

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[John Benton]

Whats the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?



























I wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on my face!!!

 

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I don't see how you'd get around this one.. Top notch stuff ! Ha ha