Jokes (please dont take offence)

[Andy Allen]

last night i reached for my bottle of liquid viagra, i accidentally took a swig from a bottle of tippex. woke up this morning with a huge correction..:lol:

 

[macten]

BBC NEWS: Australia plane hits Ferris wheel.


Police say the pilot is slowly coming round.



Some people dream of being a pilot, others simply fail to see the attraction.

 

[macten]

I saw a bloke being completely henpecked by his girlfriend on The Jeremy Kyle Show.

You could really see who wears the tracksuit bottoms in their relationship.

 

[macten]

I was at the doctor's the other day having a prostate examination when he said, "Oh my God!"

"What is it, Doctor?" I asked, mildly ****ting myself.

"You've mildly shat yourself," he replied.

 

[macten]

When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.

After a while, my mum said, "Just use a bloody spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."

 

[jay]

And one from the land of OZ

Two indigenous Australians were driving their old
Ford Falcon in the outback recently, when off in the distance
they saw a police "booze bus".

Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it.
As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said
'G'day, brudder! Two cans of Emu Export, thanks!'

The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk!
Get out of the car and blow into this tube!'

The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in that,
I got a letter from the doctor saying I'm asthmatic
and I'll pass out if I blow in that.'

The cop smirked and said 'OK - in that case,
we require you to give a blood sample.'

'Nah, nah - sorry, boss,' replied the driver.
'Can't be doin' that. Got a letter from the Red Cross sayin'
I'm a haemophiliac, and I could bleed to death if I gave
a blood sample.
Sorry, boss, can't do that!'​

By now the copper was getting very irate,​

and so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing.

The driver shook his head and said​

'Sorry boss, can't do that either.'

The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that!!!'

'Bloody oath, mate!' says the driver,​

'It's from Julia Gillard, the Prime Minister of this lovely​

country of Australia - she's apologised, and says that​

you whitefellas can't take the **** out of us blackfellas no more!​