Marriage councelling

[Gazzer]

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.


She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.



Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!


Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

 

[Dan]

lol 7/10, not brill, but funny.

 

[Gazzer]

Wife is watching ready steady cook. I said

“What you watching that for? You can’t cook”

She said

“You watch ****”

 

[Gazzer]

My wife has been missing for 3 days now.
Last night I had the Police around the house , and they told me to prepare for the worst.
So I've spent most of today going around the charity shops trying to get her clothes back

 

[Gazzer]

It was coming to the end of the day and sat in his tiny, near deserted local Pub in Liverpool was a scouser.

He was having a few beers as usual when a short well dressed and
obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man leaned over towards the scouser
and whispered, "Do you want a ********?"

The Scouser leaped up with fire in his eyes knocked the gay man off
his stool and smacked the life out of him.

He dragged him out of the bar and left him bruised and battered in the
car park and returned to his seat at the bar.

Not entirely amazed at what just happened the barman quickly brought
over another beer to the scouser and said, "I've never seen you react
as badly as that before.

What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the scouser replied.. "Something about a job."

 

[Dan]

lmfao! lolol

 

[Gazzer]

A man walks into a bar, and a lady
Recognizes him as a famous international Rugby player.
They start to talk, and eventually go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.




On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV,
People will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his
Leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid
When this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his
Penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no.....!!! Calm down,"
"It will say ADIDAS in a minute...........!!!"

 

[Dan]

Another good one. 10/10

 

[Gazzer]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. I'm not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and I'd hate to look like a fool!
7. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

 

[Gazzer]

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. 'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here..

 

[Gazzer]

[video=youtube;SMHhy-mGndI]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMHhy-mGndI[/video]

 

[Gazzer]

wife goes into the front room where the hubby is watching saturday afternoon sports. she's wearings stockings,heels and sexy lacy undies. she asks him'do you want super sex?'

he replies 'soup please'

 

[Gazzer]

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor."No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

 

[jamie B]

I'm divorcing my wife..she's developed a lazy eye and now I'm convinced she's seeing someone on the side.

 

[b30 villain]

Police came to my door last night holding a picture of the missus.
They said "Is this your wife sir?"
Shocked I answered "yes"
They said "Im afraid it looks like shes been in a car accident"
I said "I know but she has a lovely personality"