W
wivers
Well the court day came just before i went on my hols.
I turned up at 9 and was promptly searched by two of the silliest looking security gaurds i've ever seen.
The first one must have been about 60 and had obviously modelled himself on the fat kid outa grange hill ... Rolly i think his name was...... infact i think it could quite possibly be him.
The other was as always a complete contrast, tall and skinny with a stupid little tash that looked like a slug had crawlled across his face and fell asleep under his nose. Although it could very well have been a slug that he had been eating as a snack before his main breakfast fry up of, fried cockroach on earwig toast with grated stick insect or what ever it is security gaurds eat.
Anyway fatty and skinny began their search which was not a great experience.
Oliver Hardy began by making me lift me arms up and the wrapped his around me to feel my back and the back of my jeans, and i was hoping to god that was his walky talky in his pocket pressing against me!
Then he ran his hands down both me legs and checked in me sock tops, (yes his face was directly inline with my monster pouch!) he steped back and let Lurch take over.
Lofty began his well practiced procedure and ran his metal detecting toy across my body, and i thought he was gonna climax when it went off.
A huge stupid great smile stretched across his gormless face and he showed all the excitement of a child thats just heard the ice cream van come down their road.
This was clearly the moment he'd been waiting for ever since he graduated from security accademy and was issued his presious metal detector.
"Ugggg Uggg oooo uggg uggg hmffffff uggg" is what he said, which when translated from security gaurd langauge back into ours means could you take your belt off please sir.
Now being the first one through the door and not many others in sight i was starting to worry that these two red neck numpteys where just after doing their own reconstruction of a scene from Deliverance , and this piggy was in no way ready to squeel!!!
Luckily for me he checked the belt over then mumbled ugg a few more times and i was allowed to proceed into the court house.
Once i got inside i checked the notice board and found the list of people being proscuted by DVLA which i recon must stand for Dim Vile Lazy A***H****!
I found my name on the list...(bottom as my sirname starts with W) and went and sat outside courtroom 6 which is where my case was to be dealt with.
Around 20 minutes went by and the waiting area had started to fill up a bit behind me.
I tell ya you could have made a classic comedy sketch outa the weirdo's in this room!!
The first fruitloop behind me was a woman in full African headress who insitsted on singing some strange voodoo song under her breath???!!!
The nutjob behind her was a polish bloke who was trying to convince the world that he was completely innocent, he had a vald licence, he had been hear for 15 years and his name was Brian!!! Yea okay mateski!
The next one in line was an old bloke who looked and smelt like he'd been sleeping in his own urine for months and had shaved half of his face with what i can only assume was a broken bottle.
I tell u now this bloke was grand poo baa of the nut nut world, not only had we watched him trying to get a can of Super T past Albert and Costello ( which was a really silly thing to do when they have thier super dooper metal detector tool!), but we also had to watch, him be led to the toilets before he slashed up the court house reception door, his micheal jackson on ice impression and his almost full monty strip!
Yes its fair to say that this bloke was a 100% BSE victim and i think its also fair to say whatever he was up for....he did!!!
Well after putting up with the Enfield freak show for about an hour i was called in to the court room.
Unfortunatly nothing funny to report here, and the outcome is that the magistrates thought i had a case and so didn't want the responsability of calling the shots, so they set another court date for 2/06/09 where i will have to go before a judge etc
Bit of a waste of time really but it did make me appreciate how sane my life is compared with alot of others!
I turned up at 9 and was promptly searched by two of the silliest looking security gaurds i've ever seen.
The first one must have been about 60 and had obviously modelled himself on the fat kid outa grange hill ... Rolly i think his name was...... infact i think it could quite possibly be him.
The other was as always a complete contrast, tall and skinny with a stupid little tash that looked like a slug had crawlled across his face and fell asleep under his nose. Although it could very well have been a slug that he had been eating as a snack before his main breakfast fry up of, fried cockroach on earwig toast with grated stick insect or what ever it is security gaurds eat.
Anyway fatty and skinny began their search which was not a great experience.
Oliver Hardy began by making me lift me arms up and the wrapped his around me to feel my back and the back of my jeans, and i was hoping to god that was his walky talky in his pocket pressing against me!
Then he ran his hands down both me legs and checked in me sock tops, (yes his face was directly inline with my monster pouch!) he steped back and let Lurch take over.
Lofty began his well practiced procedure and ran his metal detecting toy across my body, and i thought he was gonna climax when it went off.
A huge stupid great smile stretched across his gormless face and he showed all the excitement of a child thats just heard the ice cream van come down their road.
This was clearly the moment he'd been waiting for ever since he graduated from security accademy and was issued his presious metal detector.
"Ugggg Uggg oooo uggg uggg hmffffff uggg" is what he said, which when translated from security gaurd langauge back into ours means could you take your belt off please sir.
Now being the first one through the door and not many others in sight i was starting to worry that these two red neck numpteys where just after doing their own reconstruction of a scene from Deliverance , and this piggy was in no way ready to squeel!!!
Luckily for me he checked the belt over then mumbled ugg a few more times and i was allowed to proceed into the court house.
Once i got inside i checked the notice board and found the list of people being proscuted by DVLA which i recon must stand for Dim Vile Lazy A***H****!
I found my name on the list...(bottom as my sirname starts with W) and went and sat outside courtroom 6 which is where my case was to be dealt with.
Around 20 minutes went by and the waiting area had started to fill up a bit behind me.
I tell ya you could have made a classic comedy sketch outa the weirdo's in this room!!
The first fruitloop behind me was a woman in full African headress who insitsted on singing some strange voodoo song under her breath???!!!
The nutjob behind her was a polish bloke who was trying to convince the world that he was completely innocent, he had a vald licence, he had been hear for 15 years and his name was Brian!!! Yea okay mateski!
The next one in line was an old bloke who looked and smelt like he'd been sleeping in his own urine for months and had shaved half of his face with what i can only assume was a broken bottle.
I tell u now this bloke was grand poo baa of the nut nut world, not only had we watched him trying to get a can of Super T past Albert and Costello ( which was a really silly thing to do when they have thier super dooper metal detector tool!), but we also had to watch, him be led to the toilets before he slashed up the court house reception door, his micheal jackson on ice impression and his almost full monty strip!
Yes its fair to say that this bloke was a 100% BSE victim and i think its also fair to say whatever he was up for....he did!!!
Well after putting up with the Enfield freak show for about an hour i was called in to the court room.
Unfortunatly nothing funny to report here, and the outcome is that the magistrates thought i had a case and so didn't want the responsability of calling the shots, so they set another court date for 2/06/09 where i will have to go before a judge etc
Bit of a waste of time really but it did make me appreciate how sane my life is compared with alot of others!
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