A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused
permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai
Would not understand the humour,
but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were £70!!!
B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something waterproof and shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds.'
I bought her bathroom scales.
Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was sat there with their
new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it....
I thought that was a bit harsh so i gave it a dead leg instead.
Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C,"he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."
I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.
I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs.
The birds love it!
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was
sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking
Doctor' -
I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'