Not bad

[jay]

You have to love British humour!

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:



FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little *******.
Bites!


FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.


Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

 

[user123]

Keep 'em coming, Jay... :lol:

 

[jay]

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.


After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel


the madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.


These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'


the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says,

'you know, i think my girl was dead!'

'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'


'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.' his friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.'


'a witch ??. . Why the hell would you say that?'




'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window..... Took my teeth with her!'

 

[jay]

POLICE TICKETS



These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center)

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."










.



__,_._,___

 

[jay]

Splinters in Her Crotch!


A woman who was a labor supporter and a tree hugger purchased a piece of timberland near Collie , WA .

There was a large Jarrah tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local Medical Centre to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded,"What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Department, the local Shire and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. Also Canberra were considering making it a heritage area.

I'm sorry, but due to Bob Brown and his Green Party policies they turned me down!!"

 

[jay]

Cardiologist's Funeral

An acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...




A Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate
funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge
heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service
as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy,
the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed,
sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..

At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my
own funeral... I'm a gynoecologist.'

The priest fainted