J O K E S !

[CLAYS TILES]

just wondering if anyone has got ant really gooooooooooooood jokes!

i will be back with some later!:confused_smile:

 

[Dan]

A Red Indian walks to his cheif and says.... "Cheif Sitting Bull, why are our names so long and outragous?" Cheif says "well, when one in our tribe gives birth, the father will walk outside and the first thing he see's in Nature, he'll call his Child...... Why do you ask Two Dogs Shagging?"
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Please Keep Jokes Clean And Only Post Ones That Don't Offend Members.

 

[CLAYS TILES]

paddy was telling all his mates about joining the army down the pub, i was in the parachute reg' we was at 30,000 ft, one by one they all jumped out of the plane but i just couldn't do it !
then this big bloke dropped his trousers & he had a 12' penis pointing at me, he said if you dont jump i'll shove this up your a**e!
murphy said did you jump?
paddy replied, only at first when he put it in!!! :wink_smile:
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I Thought More Jokes Would Be On Here!!!

 

[IvegotsTILE]

Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom and see's his dad giving his mum one,his dad just laughs,throws a pillow at him and shouts 'get out'.
A little while later Johnnys dad hears a comostion coming from Johnnys room,he rushes in and is horrified to see Johnny shagging his Gran-Johnny just looks at him and says 'Not so f***ing funny when its your mam is it?'

This joke is a tribute to Wivers who is about to become 'One of them! 'God Bless!

 

[brian c]

Boy asks his Gran,have you seen my pills,they are labelled 'LSD'?

Gran says-never mind the pills,have you seen the big green dragons in the kitchen?

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paddy & mick are walking home from the pub,walking past the buas gaRAGE THEY DECIDE THEY ARE GOING TO STEAL A BUS because paddy cant be bothered walking.Mick keeping a watchful eye wonders whats keeping Paddy after 20 minutes,so pops his head in and asks him whats keepingf you?tToo which Mick replies 'i cant find a number 7","you forking eejit says Paddy just get a number 8 and we can walk from the roundabout."

 

[devonmark]

a donkey in a field falls down a well...upon seeing this a chicken grabs a rope ties it to the farmers bmw and drags the donkey out....a couple of days later the chicken falls down the well...the donkey saw this happen and ran over to the well, he stood over the well and lowered his d*&k down and pulled the chicken out..

the moral of this story is...if your'e hung like a donkey you don't need a bmw to pull a chick..

now where's my nearest bmw dealer..?
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two irishman go for an interview for a job...mick gets called in first, the interviewer says "give me a sentence with the words donkey jacket in it" mick thinks carefully then says " i've got a donkey jacket and i wear it when it's cold" the interviewer tells him he's got the job.
on his way out he says to paddy "tell him you've got a donkey jacket and he'll give you a job"
paddy goes in and the interviewer says to him "give me a sentence with the word fascinate in it"
so paddy thinks and says "i've got a donkey jacket"
interviewer says "no..i want a sentence with the word fascinate in it"
paddy says again " i've got a donkey jacket"
interviewer starts to get impatient and shout "GIVE ME A SENTENCE WITH THE WORD FASCINATE IN IT"
paddy thinks and says " i've got a donkey jacket, it's got 9 buttons but i can only fasten 8"
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nothin better to do as it was an early finish

 

[CLAYS TILES]

good ones boys!:laugh:

 

[Ric]

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

 

[devonmark]

Simon goes on stars in their eyes, Mathew Kelly notices he's in a wheelchair, he says "what happened ?"
Simon replies " I was in a car crash with my uncle, he died and I had my legs amputated but, they saved my uncles legs and grafted them onto me, and in 6 months time I will be able to walk again".
"Amazing" says Matthew "who are you going to be tonight ?"
Simon says "tonight Matthew, I'm going to Simon & Halfuncle"

 

[CLAYS TILES]

Simon goes on stars in their eyes, Mathew Kelly notices he's in a wheelchair, he says "what happened ?"
Simon replies " I was in a car crash with my uncle, he died and I had my legs amputated but, they saved my uncles legs and grafted them onto me, and in 6 months time I will be able to walk again".
"Amazing" says Matthew "who are you going to be tonight ?"
Simon says "tonight Matthew, I'm going to Simon & Halfuncle"

ha ha!

 

[devonmark]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door to be met by a vacuum cleaner salesman. "F*"k off" she said.
Next thing he tips a bucket of horse sh*t on her hallway carpet and says "if this vacuum cleaner doesn't remove all traces of this horse sh*t I will eat the remainder".
"Well" she says "I hope your f*&kin hungry, because the electricity was cut off this morning !"
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two men are at the airport, first man says "I can't find my wife"
second man say "I can't find mine either ! what does yours look like ?"
first man says "she's 6ft tall, blonde, big t*ts, long legs, mini skirt, stockings, high heels and a boob tube, what does your look like ?"
second man says "F*&k her, we'll look for yours !".

 

[CLAYS TILES]

Sexual Olympics

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said. "Why not gold?" "Because I want you to come second for once!"
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A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S *** SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S *** OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ***. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS *** FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

:sad_smile:
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.............................................................................................................................

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15
years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds young couple in bed He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.

 

[Eddie]

Wife gets naked & asks hubby: what turns u on more, my pretty face or my sexy body? Hubby looks her up & down & replies: you're f!!king sense of humour!

 

[Shuntstick]

Two guys on an airplane sitting across the aisle from each other both have got black eyes.
One guy say's "How'd you get the shiner"
Other guy say's "I was at the check-in looking at the big breasted girl on the desk. I mean't to say "a ticket to Pittsburg" but I blurted out a "A picket to tittsburg please" she was not happy.

First guy say's "That's exactly the same as me, I was sitting at the breakfast table this morning, looking at my wife's wholesome backside, and instead of asking for Jam on my toast I blurted out "You've totally ruined my life you ugly f***ing *****"

 

[CLAYS TILES]

eddy you liked that joke so much you posted it twice!!!!