jokes

[DHTiling]

50 quick ones..:lol:






Funny Rude Joke 1
Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.

Funny Rude Joke 2
Why can’t scientists find a cure for AIDS?
They can’t get the laboratory mice to arse ****.

Funny Rude Joke 3
Why can’t women read maps?
Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.

Funny Rude Joke 4
Why did dinosaurs have sex under water?
You try to keep five hundred pounds of ***** wet!

Funny Rude Joke 5
Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
He heard the snow blower coming.

Funny Rude Joke 6
Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Funny Rude Joke 7
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

Funny Rude Joke 8
Why did god give men penises?
So they’d always have at least one way to shut a woman up!

Funny Rude Joke 9
Why did God invent yeast infection?
So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying ****.

Funny Rude Joke 10
why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend on the wall?
To see her crack

Funny Rude Joke 11
Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?
Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face moaning, “Lie to me!”

Funny Rude Joke 12
Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
Her lipstick

Funny Rude Joke 13
Why did the boy fall off the swing?
He didn’t have any arms.

Funny Rude Joke 14
Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him?
He came home **** faced.

Funny Rude Joke 15
Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his Viagra?
So sex wouldn’t be such a pain in the arse.

Funny Rude Joke 16
Why did the lumber truck stop?
To let the lumber jack off.

Funny Rude Joke 17
Why did the woman cross the road?
Never mind that, what the **** is she doing out of the kitchen?

Funny Rude Joke 18
Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable?
She wanted to mount the horse her way.

Funny Rude Joke 19
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Funny Rude Joke 20
Why do bunnies have soft sex?
They have cotton balls

Funny Rude Joke 21
Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?
So they don’t whistle on the way down.

Funny Rude Joke 22
Why do horny women order at Subway?
Footlongs

Funny Rude Joke 23
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Funny Rude Joke 24
Why do men pay more for car insurance?
Women don’t get blow jobs while they’re driving

Funny Rude Joke 25
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls!

Funny Rude Joke 26
Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!

Funny Rude Joke 27
Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
So, when you pull their **** they won’t **** on the floor.

Funny Rude Joke 28
Why do women have arms?
Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?

Funny Rude Joke 29
Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Funny Rude Joke 30
Why do women have two holes so close together?
In case you miss.

Funny Rude Joke 31
Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
Place to hang their air freshener.

Funny Rude Joke 32
Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?
Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins !

Funny Rude Joke 33
Why do women wear black underwear?
They are mourning for the stiff they buried the night before.

Funny Rude Joke 34
Why does a bride smile when she’s walking down the aisle?
She knows she’s given her last ********.

Funny Rude Joke 35
Why does a dog lick its penis?
Because it can’t make a fist.

Funny Rude Joke 36
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
They don’t stop for directions.

Funny Rude Joke 37
Why does it take longer to build a blond snowman?
Because you have to hollow the head out.

Funny Rude Joke 38
Why doesn’t Smokey the bear have any kids?
Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.

Funny Rude Joke 39
Why don’t Canadians have group sex?
Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards.

Funny Rude Joke 40
Why don’t little girls fart?
Because they don’t get assholes until they’re married.

Funny Rude Joke 41
Why don’t men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

Funny Rude Joke 42
Why don’t witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
Better traction.

Funny Rude Joke 43
Why don’t women wear watches?
There’s a clock on the stove!

Funny Rude Joke 44
Why haven’t they sent a woman to the moon yet?
It doesn’t need cleaning.

Funny Rude Joke 45
Why is a Laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
Women who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Funny Rude Joke 46
Why is a woman’s ***** like a warm toilet seat?
They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

Funny Rude Joke 47
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
They already have boyfriends.

Funny Rude Joke 48
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

Funny Rude Joke 49
Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of **** in there.

Funny Rude Joke 50
Why was Tigger’s head in the toilet?
He was looking for pooh!

 

[DHTiling]

y wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW!! That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day! You could REALLY learn something from this one."

I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."

 

[DHTiling]

Mens rules... ffs it ain't hard..

We always hear 'the rules' from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

Please note.. These are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, football or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

[user123]

I LOVE the answer to number 3.... :lol: will have to remember that one. Now Howe did you come across these, huh? :lol: tut tut.

 

[DHTiling]

The males point system..:


In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here's a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets(-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's her father (-20)

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (-8)

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A Night Out with The Boys

Go out with a pal (-5)
And the pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Lotus (-10)
With a personalized license plate "GR8 N BED" (-15)

A Night Out

You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called DeathCop3 (-3)
Which features cyborgs having sex (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too" (-800)

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep (-20)

 

[advancetiling]

mick walks into paddys barn and catches him dancing naked and masterbating in front of a tractor.
mick says"bloody hell paddy,what you doing?"
paddy replies"well me and mary havent been getting on in the bedroom lately,and the therapist recommended i do something sexy to attractor"

 

[Ian]

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test.
It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes
let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say..
The first filter is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it.."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness.
Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes
that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued,
"You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is
neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed.
This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.

 

[jay]

My dearest darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about
the small accident I had with the Ford F-150 when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry
too much about me. I was coming home and when I turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the Ford F-150 fortunately came to a
halt when it bumped into your Ferrari ( I'm sure you can buff the scratch
out, you're so clever). Lucky I missed my scooter as you know I hate the
Pick-up, Its so big and heavy.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will
forgive me.
You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife. ***
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