tell me your best joke

[brian c]

little patrick asked for a new bike for his birthday,his dad said we'd get you 1 but the mortgage is 200,000 and your mum just lost her job.next day patrick walked out with his suitcase packrd .his dad asked what he was doing?patrick replied'i walked past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling it out,then i heard her tell you to wait kos she was coming too,and im not staying here with a 200,000 mortgage and no bike!'

 

[Dan]

went 2 the cemetery the other day 2 put some flowers down,when i noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,3 hours go by and they are still walking about with the coffin.i then thought to myself these guys have lost the plot.

Nice and clean - that's what we like!:laugh:

 

[Deleted member 15]

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.


Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.


So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"


The man replied, "Yep, sure do"


"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.


"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.


"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.


"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man in an even tone.


"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.


"Yep," was the calm reply.


"And, you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.


"Nope," said the old man.


More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"


The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."

 

[Deleted member 15]

Husband and Wife in court getting a divorce.
The problem was who should get custody of the child????

Wife jumped up and said: “Your Honor! I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody.”

The judge turns to Husband and says “What do you have to say in your defense?”

The husband sat for a while contemplating then slowly rose.

”Your Honor. If I put a POUND in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out. Whose Pepsi is it? the machine's or mine?“

 

[wivers]

One day Dracula was walking down the street, when all of a sudden 100 sausage rolls, 150 cheese and tomato sandwiches, 50 chicken wings, 30 bread sticks, 20 pizza slices and 3000 crisps fall on him from above. "oh no" he said with his dying breath "its buffet the vamire slayer!"

 

[Varley]

One day Dracula was walking down the street, when all of a sudden 100 sausage rolls, 150 cheese and tomato sandwiches, 50 chicken wings, 30 bread sticks, 20 pizza slices and 3000 crisps fall on him from above. "oh no" he said with his dying breath "its buffet the vamire slayer!"

Oh deary me wivers.

 

[GazTech]

A bloke takes his 13 year old daughter to the doctor,and insists that she is put on the pill.The doctor asked if she was sexually active?he replied. " NO SHE JUST LIES THERE LIKE HER MOTHER!!"

 

[GazTech]

Black tarmac & green tarmac in the pub having a beer,in walks pink tarmac and green jumps behind the bar shaking.Whats up said black "keep him away from me he's a cyclepath!"

 

[IvegotsTILE]

One sunny day Sarah was walking down the street in a very good mood she'd just been for her baby scan and found out she was having triplets.
While walking down the street she heard an alarm going off,3 robbers came running out of the bank all guns blazing,Sarah was in the line of fire and took 3 bullets to the stomach.
While at the hospital the doctor says that each of the 3 babies had been hit in there stomachs but amazingly there all alright,however its too much of a risk to remove the bullets but the doctor says they will pass through there system naturally when they probably reach pubity.
A few months pass and Sarah has 2 pretty girls and a handsome young boy.All are healthy.
13 years pass by Sarah comes home from work and one of her girls is crying,Sarah asks whats wrong and the daughter says she went for a wee and this bullet came out,Sarah told her not to worry and told her about that eventful day 13 years ago.
A week passes and Sarah comes home from work and her other daughter is crying,her daughter says she went to the toilet and a bullet came out so Sarah told her about that that eventful day13 years ago.
A week later Sarah comes home from work and her son is crying his eyes out,Sarah sits down and says don't worry son,did you go for a wee and a bullet came out?
'No'says the son.'I had a wank and I shoot the dog!':sad_smile:

 

[brian c]

Mummy Where Do Babies Come From?well Daddy's Make A Liquid Called Sperm And Put It Inside Mummy's.'do Mummy's Swallow It?' ' Only If They Want New Shoes!'