Discuss tell me your best joke in the British & UK Tiling Forum area at TilersForums.com.
B
brodxx
A bloke has the choice of three woman to marry, to help make up his mind he gives each £1000. the first woman spends £900 on clothes and puts £100 in the bank. The second woman spends £500 on clothes and puts £500 in the bank. the third spends £100 on clothes and puts £900 in the bank. Which one did he choose?-----------------------------------the one with the big ****!
W
wivers
Here's one that gave me belly ache laughing so hard.....
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs £10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the £10.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the £10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."[/quote]
Very good
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs £10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the £10.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the £10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."[/quote]
Very good
W
wivers
Not a joke but a little verse in appriciation of our glourious members.
Leatherface is the man, with the all over tan that he got from the naked sun bathing. The only big prob, was his poor sunburnt n*b ,and the rash where his gimp suit was chaffing.
Concept's double hard, and he could have made sarge if he'd kept to his job in the force's, but it's the forum thats smiling coz he left that for tiling.... and his sexual obssesion with horses.
Dan is Don of the forum HQ, a really nice bloke like Ned Flanders, he's alway's at hand with his tiling advice and does extra's for large cash backhanders!
Leatherface is the man, with the all over tan that he got from the naked sun bathing. The only big prob, was his poor sunburnt n*b ,and the rash where his gimp suit was chaffing.
Concept's double hard, and he could have made sarge if he'd kept to his job in the force's, but it's the forum thats smiling coz he left that for tiling.... and his sexual obssesion with horses.
Dan is Don of the forum HQ, a really nice bloke like Ned Flanders, he's alway's at hand with his tiling advice and does extra's for large cash backhanders!
V
Varley
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for
over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little
thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective
sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was
bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always
got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate.
She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day "little" sister
called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and
desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister!
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up
and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them
down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and
behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With
tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy
that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car
over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little
thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective
sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was
bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always
got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate.
She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day "little" sister
called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and
desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister!
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up
and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them
down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and
behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With
tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy
that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car
V
Varley
Please can anyone help. 18 months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from
DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.
However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the
only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a
virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same
time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they
caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product
soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.
While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come
bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2004. Shortly after this upgrade,
however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run.
Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could
not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about
them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and
can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products
have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring
ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be
reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0
attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which
can't be turned off.
Computer Problems
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be
problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your money before
uninstalling itself.
Thanks for any help ya'll can give.....
DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.
However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the
only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a
virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same
time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they
caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product
soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.
While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come
bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2004. Shortly after this upgrade,
however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run.
Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could
not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about
them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and
can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products
have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring
ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be
reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0
attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which
can't be turned off.
Computer Problems
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be
problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your money before
uninstalling itself.
Thanks for any help ya'll can give.....
V
Varley
Best Lawyer Story
Maybe the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century.
A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, than insured tham against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued...and WON! (stay with me here)
In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guarenteed that it would insure tham against fire, without defining what it considered to be unnacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than pursue a lenghty and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15 000 to the lawyer for the loss of his rare cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24 000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
Maybe the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century.
A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, than insured tham against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued...and WON! (stay with me here)
In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guarenteed that it would insure tham against fire, without defining what it considered to be unnacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than pursue a lenghty and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15 000 to the lawyer for the loss of his rare cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24 000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
Last edited by a moderator:
LOL
D
Deleted member 15
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
L
Leatherface
Wivers goes to the doctors with his wife...
After his checkup, the doctor calls the wife into his office alone. " Your husband is suffering from severe tiling stress disorder," he says . " If you don't do the following things Wivers will die."
...
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant to him at all times. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. In the evening, prepare him an especially nice supper. wait on him hand and foot. Do not burden him with your problems. Do not nag. Do not give him chores to do, it will only make his stress worse.
And most importantly - let him go to the pub as many times as he wants and make love to him several times a week. If you can do this for the next ten months of the year he will make a full recovery and live."
On the way home, Wivers asks his wife what the doctor has said ?
"You are going to die," she replies !! :wink_smile:
After his checkup, the doctor calls the wife into his office alone. " Your husband is suffering from severe tiling stress disorder," he says . " If you don't do the following things Wivers will die."
...
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant to him at all times. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. In the evening, prepare him an especially nice supper. wait on him hand and foot. Do not burden him with your problems. Do not nag. Do not give him chores to do, it will only make his stress worse.
And most importantly - let him go to the pub as many times as he wants and make love to him several times a week. If you can do this for the next ten months of the year he will make a full recovery and live."
On the way home, Wivers asks his wife what the doctor has said ?
"You are going to die," she replies !! :wink_smile:
Reply to tell me your best joke in the British & UK Tiling Forum area at TilersForums.com
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