tell me your best joke

[wivers]

Thanks mate. Cost me a right hander from her indoors though. 🙁

 

[vince1]

very good mate hahahaha i told my mates that one about 0 to 130 hahaha

 

[Dan]

Thanks mate. Cost me a right hander from her indoors though. 🙁

Well worth it 🙂

Here's one that gave me belly ache laughing so hard.....

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.


''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs £10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the £10.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the £10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

 

[CON5933]

:wink_smile: brilliant

 

[CON5933]

Tim the tiler was absolutely delighted with his downstairs bathroom.... he'd spent a fortune on the travertine tiles, the room was finished and he'd invited his mate Billy around to have a look.
His wife thought she'd try the shower out, as she stepped from the shower she slipped on the new tiles, done the splits and was 'firmly suctioned' to the floor by her fanny...
Tim and Billy ran in to help her but she wouldn't budge...
"hang on" said Billy, "i'll get a hammer and chisel and we can break the tile around her fanny"
"SOD THAT" said Tim, "help me slide her into the hallway...the tiles are cheaper there":angel_smile:

 

[Varley]

Lol Dan, good one.

 

[brodxx]

A bloke has the choice of three woman to marry, to help make up his mind he gives each £1000. the first woman spends £900 on clothes and puts £100 in the bank. The second woman spends £500 on clothes and puts £500 in the bank. the third spends £100 on clothes and puts £900 in the bank. Which one did he choose?-----------------------------------the one with the big ****!

 

[h0ndatyp3r]

The worlds shortest fairytale.

Once upon a time a man asked a woman, 'Will you marry me?' The woman replied, 'No' and the man lived happily ever after and went golfing, fishing, drinking and shagging and still had money in his pocket at the end of the week.

The end.

 

[wivers]

Here's one that gave me belly ache laughing so hard.....

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.


''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs £10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the £10.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the £10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."[/quote]

Very good 🙂

 

[wivers]

Doh!!!