tell me your best joke

[CON5933]

(reputed to be a true story.... but funny anyway)

Picture the scene...3 blokes sittin in a smokey bar...

The eldest, about 60, asks the other 2
"whats the wierdest thing you've ever f****d...?

After thinkin about it, one of them replies, "i slept with a woman with a moustache!"
The 2nd one says, " suppose it would have to a pillow"

"what about you then" they asked...

"about 1/2 a hundred weight of warm dough..."

The other 2 looked horrified, they'd all served time together and the old fella worked in the kitchens

 

[Dan]

BRILLIANT DAN.ps.HOWS UR TENNIS ELBOW?

It's getting better now mate.

 

[Dan]

More bad news for the Taliban. Remember how they are promised 72virgins when they die? Turns out that it's only one 72-year-old virgin.

 

[tiling1]

What's the similarity between a 9v battery and a womans a***hole ? You know you should'nt but sooner or later you're goin to have to touch it with your tongue!!!

 

[brian c]

went 2 the cemetery the other day 2 put some flowers down,when i noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,3 hours go by and they are still walking about with the coffin.i then thought to myself these guys have lost the plot.

 

[brian c]

David Copperfield just finished his show and asked audience if they had any tricks?wee GLASWEGIAN bloke said aye av got 1 but i need your wife CLAUDIA SCHIEFFER AN A TABLE.When they r brought on stage the wee guy bends her leg over the table an starts sh***ing her up the A**.COPPERFIELD is mad and shout's at him 'THATS NOT A TRICK' and the wee guy replies ,'NAW BUT ITS F***ING MAGIC.':wink_smile:

 

[brian c]

Woman in the west of SCOTLAND is about to jump of a cliff when she hears a sailor telling her not to do it and he will her away on ship and you can start a new life in America.3 weekslater she is found and brought befare the captain who asks what she is doing on his boat,she replies that a sailor is stowing me away to America,he brings me 3 meals a day and in return i let him f**K ME EVERY NIGHT.The Captain says to her 'oh hes f***ing u all right kos this is the DUNOON FERRY!'

 

[brian c]

jACK AND jILL WENT UP THE HILL SO JACK COULD LICK JILLS F***Y.JACK GOT A SHOCK AND A MOUTHFULL OF C**K KOS JILLS A F***ING TRANNY!

 

[CON5933]

Started a job last week for the Samaritans......
went to phone in sick on friday but they talked me out of it

 

[CON5933]

Bloke offered me a new job with the Brittle Bone society, £600 a week.....I snapped his f****n hand off

 

[brian c]

little patrick asked for a new bike for his birthday,his dad said we'd get you 1 but the mortgage is 200,000 and your mum just lost her job.next day patrick walked out with his suitcase packrd .his dad asked what he was doing?patrick replied'i walked past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling it out,then i heard her tell you to wait kos she was coming too,and im not staying here with a 200,000 mortgage and no bike!'

 

[Dan]

went 2 the cemetery the other day 2 put some flowers down,when i noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,3 hours go by and they are still walking about with the coffin.i then thought to myself these guys have lost the plot.

Nice and clean - that's what we like!:laugh:

 

[Deleted member 15]

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.


Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.


So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"


The man replied, "Yep, sure do"


"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.


"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.


"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.


"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man in an even tone.


"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.


"Yep," was the calm reply.


"And, you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.


"Nope," said the old man.


More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"


The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."

 

[Deleted member 15]

Husband and Wife in court getting a divorce.
The problem was who should get custody of the child????

Wife jumped up and said: “Your Honor! I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody.”

The judge turns to Husband and says “What do you have to say in your defense?”

The husband sat for a while contemplating then slowly rose.

”Your Honor. If I put a POUND in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out. Whose Pepsi is it? the machine's or mine?“

 

[wivers]

One day Dracula was walking down the street, when all of a sudden 100 sausage rolls, 150 cheese and tomato sandwiches, 50 chicken wings, 30 bread sticks, 20 pizza slices and 3000 crisps fall on him from above. "oh no" he said with his dying breath "its buffet the vamire slayer!"