J
jay
this is doing the rounds over here thought i should share might need some editing so dont take offence
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Subject: FW: Ashes jokes
Subject Ashes jokes
The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting.
They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!
Q What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.
Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?
Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting: "You lads can bat.''
Just as quick, Ponting replied: "No, we can't. We really can't."
Q. What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand?
A. A waiter.
Q. Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease?
A.The woman who irons their cricket whites.
Q. What's the height of optimism?
A. An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.
Q. Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball?
A. He forgot it was chained to his foot.
Q What is the main function of the Australia coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey tells her he's heading out to the middle.
His wife replies: "I'll hold, he won't be long!"
Q. What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.
Q. Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
Q. What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from
.
Q. What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
A. The entire Australian innings.
Q. What's the Australian version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.
Q. Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because he can get out without even trying.
Q. What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket?
A. A bat.
Q. What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A. A vacant lot.
Q. What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A. They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
Heard the one about the Englishman who was stopped by Australian immigration officers at Sydney airport?
They asked him if he had a criminal record. He replied: "I didn't know it was still necessary"
Q. What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix?
A. At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.
Q What do you call an Aussie who can hold a catch?
A. A fisherman
Q. Why can no one drink wine in Australia at the moment?
A. They don't have any openers
Q. What's the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball
Q. What do you call a world class Australian cricketer?.......
A. Retired
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Subject: FW: Ashes jokes
Subject Ashes jokes
The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting.
They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!
Q What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.
Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?
Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting: "You lads can bat.''
Just as quick, Ponting replied: "No, we can't. We really can't."
Q. What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand?
A. A waiter.
Q. Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease?
A.The woman who irons their cricket whites.
Q. What's the height of optimism?
A. An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.
Q. Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball?
A. He forgot it was chained to his foot.
Q What is the main function of the Australia coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey tells her he's heading out to the middle.
His wife replies: "I'll hold, he won't be long!"
Q. What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.
Q. Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
Q. What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from
.
Q. What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
A. The entire Australian innings.
Q. What's the Australian version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.
Q. Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because he can get out without even trying.
Q. What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket?
A. A bat.
Q. What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A. A vacant lot.
Q. What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A. They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
Heard the one about the Englishman who was stopped by Australian immigration officers at Sydney airport?
They asked him if he had a criminal record. He replied: "I didn't know it was still necessary"
Q. What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix?
A. At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.
Q What do you call an Aussie who can hold a catch?
A. A fisherman
Q. Why can no one drink wine in Australia at the moment?
A. They don't have any openers
Q. What's the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball
Q. What do you call a world class Australian cricketer?.......
A. Retired
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