Today's best joke

[Bubblecraft]

Wife says to husband "Are you going to cut the grass?"
Husband says "Do I look like a gardener?"
Wife says to husband "Are you going to fix the toilet seat?"
Husband says "Do I look like a plumber.
Husband goes to work & after a days shift comes home.
Grass is cut & toilet seat is fixed.
Husband says to wife "Did you do that?"
Wife says "No, your brother came round & said he'd do it for a cheeseburger or a ********"
Husband says "You gave him a cheeseburger, right?"
Wife say "Do I look like Burger King?"

 

[Two-Trowels]

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.


After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre," asks one, "'ow 'av
you been doing?"


"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex
zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed
and onto ze parade ground."


"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.


"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle
platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"


"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.


"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five
feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."


"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.


"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground,
and 'e said "Jurmp."


"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.


"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten
feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."


"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.


"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze
parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e
said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"


"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"


"A leetle, at ze beginning."

 

[John Benton]

It's been confirmed that the coin that struck Rio Ferdinand was actually a Euro, as Man City fans no longer have any need for them

 

[Diamond Pool Finishers]

My mates wife left him on tuesday, she said she was poppin out for a pint of milk and never returned.
I asked how he was coping, he said "fine, im using that powdered stuff".

 

[Diamond Pool Finishers]

Grandad was reminiscing about the good old days...
"When I were a lad.....

me mother would send me down to t'corner shop wi' just a shilling,

and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes,

two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk,

a turkey, a pound o' cheese,

a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs.

Yer can't do that now. Too many bloody security cameras."