Uheat Joke Friday - Happy Friday everyone!

[Uheat - Jacob]

Despite cleaning all the stains off, I lost my job as a church window cleaner!


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined… Wednesday is open Mike night!


I took my new puppy for his first shots today... Poor little thing threw up everywhere. Maybe tequila wasn't the best choice!


I took my kids to the zoo last week… Popping back today to see if they've settled in!


Everything is easier said than done...unless it's Worcestershire Sauce!


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[Uheat - Jacob]

Caught my wife going through the neighbours bins... She's not nosey, just terrible at parking!


Just been told my son has swallowed his phone and it got stuck in his throat... I'm gonna ring his neck!


A man fell into a display of 300 golf clubs at a sports shop earlier today... Doctors have said that he should be ok but he's not out of the woods yet!


My wife said she was fed up with me putting the name of a vegetable in every sentence. "Are you going to stop?" she said. "Not neccecelery," I said.


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[Uheat - Jacob]

I've just driven behind an Audi that let someone out and used indicators... Naturally, I took a note of the reg and reported it stolen!

Here's an idea for an invention: A thought-controlled air freshener… It makes scents when you think about it!

My online banking password has been hacked again... This will be the third time I've had to rename the dog!

I bought a greyhound yesterday. My wife said, "Are you going to race him?" I said, "No, he’s much faster than me!"

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[Uheat - Jacob]

The wife was all dressed as a pedal bin for the fancy dress party when it was cancelled at the last minute... Boy did she flip her lid!


My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner… So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!


I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me £15. Instead I gave my suit to the charity shop next door. They cleaned and pressed it, and put it in the window. I bought it for £4.50!


I had eczema, diarrhoea and haemorrhoids over the weekend... My best game of Scrabble ever!


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[Uheat - Jacob]

The wife was all dressed as a pedal bin for the fancy dress party when it was cancelled at the last minute... Boy did she flip her lid!


My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner… So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!


I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me £15. Instead I gave my suit to the charity shop next door. They cleaned and pressed it, and put it in the window. I bought it for £4.50!


I had eczema, diarrhoea and haemorrhoids over the weekend... My best game of Scrabble ever!


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[Uheat - Jacob]

I feel really claustrophobic when I visit my local chemist… I fear I've become too big for my Boots!

I really do regret buying the flat above Lionel Richie!

The man who sets retail prices has died... RRP

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee!

I never thought that I would be the type of person to get up early in the morning to go running… I was right!

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[Uheat - Jacob]

Man arrested after falling into farm machinery whilst trying to steal it... He is due to be bailed on Friday!

A male fly notices a rather attractive female fly lounging on a pile of cow manure. The male fly swoops down next to her and says, "Excuse me love but is this stool taken?"

Did you use to knock on doors and then run away when you were a kid? Good news… Yodel are hiring!

A Cadburys lorry and a Lego truck have collided on the motorway… Police say the road is choc a block!

Be careful when trying to gently squeeze the pump at the petrol station to get exactly 20 quid in… I've just missed it and it went to £38.66!

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

For those who don't want Alexa listening in on your conversations, they're making a male version... It doesn't listen to anything!

I've just seen a man with no arms cycle past me… I'm not sure of his name but his face rang a bell!

I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my sons train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it... I think I've managed to cover my tracks!

Every time I get something stuck in my throat, I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager… It's called the Heineken Manoeuvre!

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[Uheat - Jacob]

I've been trying to get hold of my judo instructor… But he's a hard man to pin down!


Got my water bill today for the last 3 months. £250! Then I saw an advert for Oxfam stating they can supply a whole village with water for £5 a month... Think I'll be changing my supplier!


An elderly wife in church turned to her husband and said, "I've just done a silent fart. What should I do?" Her husband said, "Change the batteries in your hearing aid!"


Strange new trend in the office. People putting names on food in the communal fridge… Today I had a cheese sandwich named Susan!

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

I went to the doctors this morning and I said I feel like I've got some cutlery stuck in my throat... The doctor had a look and said it's not serious you just need to have utensils taken out!

A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any so I sold him some laxatives." "You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" "Of course you can. He's now too scared to cough!"

I have an amazing superpower. I can melt ice cubes just by staring at them... Takes a while but it actually works!

Anybody lost £500 in cash held together with an elastic band? If so, I've found the elastic band!

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

We told the restaurant manager that our salads were a bit on the dry side… It was a situation that we felt needed addressing!

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I replied, "Dust!" And that's when the fight started...

Just went into a shop and said, "Can I pay by card?" The cashier said, "No problem, what card do you have?" I said, "The six of spades!"

A bloke in hospital is recovering from laser eye surgery. The surgeon comes in and asks if he wants the good news or the bad news first. The bloke excitedly asks for the good news. The surgeon says, "Well, you are about to get a new dog!"

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

At a wedding reception I recently attended, the host said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The barman was nearly crushed to death!

While many complain about life & the cost of living, I'm currently sitting on a £3k sofa, nice & cool in front of a £2k air-con unit, watching a £4k 70" TV. I'm happy & not a care in the world. Not even the employees at John Lewis who keep asking me to leave can spoil my day!

Councils across the UK rejoice after melting roads begin to fill in their own potholes!

I was rear-ended in my car by an ice-cream van... I'm now suffering from Mr Whippylash!


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[Uheat - Jacob]

I helped my neighbour this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you." I couldn't believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!

Left my job as a taxi driver... Sick of people talking behind my back!

A man knocked at my door and said, "Can I come in your house and talk about vacuuming your carpets?" I think he was a Je-hoover's witness!

What do we want? A cure for obesity. When do we want it? After lunch!


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[Uheat - Jacob]

My boss yelled at me this morning, "It's the fifth time you've been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?" I said, "It's Friday!"

Just spotted an albino Dalmatian… It was the least I could do!

Typical. No one turned up at Camouflage Club last night… Again!


A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six." A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk. "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?" the wife asks. He replies, "They had avocados!"


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[Uheat - Jacob]

I come from a family of failed magicians… I have 2 half sisters!

Handed in my notice at Subway today… They'll never find anyone as good as me to fill that roll!

I've opened three birthday cards and I’m already £150 up... I love being a postman!

After dinner last night my wife asked if I could clear the table… I needed a run up, but I bloody did it!


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