Weekend jokes

[Deleted member 9966]

Secretarial Position

There is an opening for a secretarial position. The man conducting the interviews asks each candidate the same question.

"What would you do if you found $100 lying on the floor in the office?"

The first one says "I would post a sign saying that some money had been found, and try to find person who lost it."

The second one says "I would lock up the money up in my desk, and if no one claims that they have lost any money, I would keep it."

The third one says "I would turn it over to the building security."

Do you know which woman got the job? The one with the big ****.

😳

 

[Spud]

our local pub is really rough, the wife and I went there for the pub quiz last night ,first question we were asked was "what the f..k are you looking at?"

 

[doug boardley]

what's the differene between Delia Smith and a cross country run?.....
One is a pant in the country...........

 

[user123]

An American Blonde's Year in Review




January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.



February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited......finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said '2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool Aid....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days...instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911. 'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

 

[Aston]

paddy's sittin in the pub with a puzzled look on his face and the barman asks..
whats wrong wit ya paddy
paddy says..for the love o jesus i cant figure it out man!
figure what out paddy?
i wanna know why my sister has four brothers but i only have 3!!!

 

[user123]

man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again.. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

 

[DHTiling]

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

[user123]

How do you catch a unique rabbit, Dave?
.
.
.
Unique up on it!

____________________________

How do crazy people find their way through a forest??
.
.
.
They follow a psycho - path.

 

[DHTiling]

??????????????????

 

[user123]

??????????????????

Is that about the first mail where the graphics didn't load, or don't you get the other ones?? :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[DHTiling]

The first one before you edited...:smilewinkgrin:

 

[user123]

The first one before you edited...:smilewinkgrin:

I'll email it to you... :lol:

 

[DHTiling]

Like the last email... didn't arrive..?

 

[user123]

Like the last email... didn't arrive..?

Don't know why, got to me ok, cartoon graphics, should be ok?

 

[DHTiling]

I got that one......:lol:..


I meant the one the other week.. can't remember what it was know... errr summit to do with..???

AHH advert for stone shop..

 

[user123]

I got that one......:lol:..


I meant the one the other week.. can't remember what it was know... errr summit to do with..???

AHH advert for stone shop..

Oh wot!!!??? Check if you got a limit how big a size of graphics you can receive...??

 

[DHTiling]

Ehh??..

LOL... try again..

 

[DHTiling]

[FONT=&quot]George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 45th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas . When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Sweet[/FONT][FONT=&quot] young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to Room 217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swinging her hips provocatively.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]<image0021.gif>[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.."

Even George was taken aback. "$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"

George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat
Dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their ****tails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"[/FONT]