Weekend jokes

[sstilingservice]

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:

Definitely not!

WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:

Of course I do.

WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:

Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:
- silence - -

HUSBAND:
rubbish....

 

[user123]

Now I'm troubled that I find that funny...:smilewinkgrin:

 

[village tiling]

How many evertonians does it take too change a lightbulb.......NONE coz they just sit in the dark and blame it on liverpool!!!!!

 

[doug boardley]

How many evertonians does it take too change a lightbulb.......NONE coz they just sit in the dark and blame it on liverpool!!!!!

how many country and western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
3, one to change it, the other two to sing about how good the old one was!

 

[doug boardley]

How many evertonians does it take too change a lightbulb.......NONE coz they just sit in the dark and blame it on liverpool!!!!!

how many women with PMT does it take to change a light bulb?
just the b*****y one, allright!!!

 

[cornish_crofter]

The Sneeze


A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.


The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took out a tissue, wiped her nose! Her body shaking even more than before.


Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"


"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an ******."


The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"


The woman nodded, "Pepper"...
😳

...and just think I had you down as a clean minded lady......

Only joking, your earlier jokes put paid to that theory :lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

[Gazzer]

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.

'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.

'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.

'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.
My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.

'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no flamin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners .'

 

[Gazzer]

There was a guy on the beach with loads of gorgeous chicks swarming all over him. Seeing this, another guy strolls up to him and asks.
"What's your secret?"
The first man whispers,"All you have to do is stick a small cucumber down your trunks."
The second guy runs off and does this.
But when he returns to the shore every girl that looks his way runs off screaming.
Confused, he hurries over to the first guy and asks,
"Why are all the girls running away from me?"
The first guy looks up at him and replies,
"You're supposed to put it down the front of your trunks!!!!"

 

[Deleted member 9966]

how many women with PMT does it take to change a light bulb?
just the b*****y one, allright!!!

DOUG! how rude! :yikes:

 

[user123]

...and just think I had you down as a clean minded lady......

Only joking, your earlier jokes put paid to that theory :lol::lol::lol::lol:

Best to keep you guessing Hugo....:smilewinkgrin: