W
wivers
I don't know about you lot but i don't like havin number 2's anywhere but my own home.
Sure i can have a wee, but when it comes down to good old mr plopy i just don't feel comfortable.
Tj can go anywhere, be it bush, bag, bucket or bog he can drop his scent anywhere.
Well this week i started a job tiling a kitchen splashback on the top floor of a block of flats, 2 floors. I turned up at 8 30 and started to set out whilst the customer was watching TV.
Whilst running my tools up and down the stairs i could feel a rumble in the deepest jungle, the kind of rumble that says "you've got about 10 minutes before i drop, like it our not chum!"
When i got the last of my tools up the top of the stairs the customer came out on the landing and told me that they would be nipping out for some grub shortly and asked if i wanted anything?
The only thing i wanted at that very moment was the ground to open up and swallow me, coz with every jolting movement i'd made up the stairs i had let out a little "poop nearly here parp", the kind that bring with it all the potentness of the actual brown fella without the mess, and it had filled the hall like a large green mushroom cloud!
I tried my best to ignore the fowl odour in the hope the customer would mistake it for a drain blocked with a thousand rotting rodents.
This seemed to work as the customer didn't react or mention anything, so i carried on setting up.
About 5 minutes later the belly rumbles were getting deeper and darker and i knew i didn't have long left before i gave birth. I also knew that i wasn't going to make it to a toilet anywhere other than the one in the customers flat.
With my brown baby about to be deliverd the customer began to put their coat on and get ready to leave.
Now i'm not being funny but how long does it take to find a bloody set of car keys !!!!!!!!!!!
I would have offerd a hand to look for them but i was scared stiff of moving at this point as the loofa like laugage was trapped in the departure lounge and almost ready for take off!!!
The customer found their keys and said goodbye much to my relief.
The door shut and i launched myself at the toilet like a rocket for the moon.
The strides hadn't even hit me ankles before my brown butt bomb exploded down the poor dumbstruck toilet pan.
OHHHH the relief!!!!!! Ahhhhhh it was like a huge wait was lifted from my shoulders.....or my belly.
Anyway the ship had sailed and it was time to clean up.......doh!!!! No paper.......arghhhhhhhh.
I waddled out into the kitchen and greatfully grabbed some kitchen roll that was on the work top and went back in the toilet and began the cleaning process.
The pan was a mess and there was no bog brush! Also the smell was filling up the flat ....again!!
I found some deodrant and gave it a good spray, and flushed the toilet 3 times, but still it looked like it had been loser in a mud wrestling contest.
There was only 1 thing for it, big hand full of paper and a bit of elbow!
I started to polish up the pan and was almost there thinking about how i better give the flat another burst of lynx, when my world came crashing in........and so did the customer!!!!
Tiler on his knees wiv his hand down the bog and a flat smelling of Lynx's new deodrant range called Alaskan Log, i'm sure the customer had every right to throw me out, but thankfully they saved me what very little dignaty a had left and went back out again.
WHY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sure i can have a wee, but when it comes down to good old mr plopy i just don't feel comfortable.
Tj can go anywhere, be it bush, bag, bucket or bog he can drop his scent anywhere.
Well this week i started a job tiling a kitchen splashback on the top floor of a block of flats, 2 floors. I turned up at 8 30 and started to set out whilst the customer was watching TV.
Whilst running my tools up and down the stairs i could feel a rumble in the deepest jungle, the kind of rumble that says "you've got about 10 minutes before i drop, like it our not chum!"
When i got the last of my tools up the top of the stairs the customer came out on the landing and told me that they would be nipping out for some grub shortly and asked if i wanted anything?
The only thing i wanted at that very moment was the ground to open up and swallow me, coz with every jolting movement i'd made up the stairs i had let out a little "poop nearly here parp", the kind that bring with it all the potentness of the actual brown fella without the mess, and it had filled the hall like a large green mushroom cloud!
I tried my best to ignore the fowl odour in the hope the customer would mistake it for a drain blocked with a thousand rotting rodents.
This seemed to work as the customer didn't react or mention anything, so i carried on setting up.
About 5 minutes later the belly rumbles were getting deeper and darker and i knew i didn't have long left before i gave birth. I also knew that i wasn't going to make it to a toilet anywhere other than the one in the customers flat.
With my brown baby about to be deliverd the customer began to put their coat on and get ready to leave.
Now i'm not being funny but how long does it take to find a bloody set of car keys !!!!!!!!!!!
I would have offerd a hand to look for them but i was scared stiff of moving at this point as the loofa like laugage was trapped in the departure lounge and almost ready for take off!!!
The customer found their keys and said goodbye much to my relief.
The door shut and i launched myself at the toilet like a rocket for the moon.
The strides hadn't even hit me ankles before my brown butt bomb exploded down the poor dumbstruck toilet pan.
OHHHH the relief!!!!!! Ahhhhhh it was like a huge wait was lifted from my shoulders.....or my belly.
Anyway the ship had sailed and it was time to clean up.......doh!!!! No paper.......arghhhhhhhh.
I waddled out into the kitchen and greatfully grabbed some kitchen roll that was on the work top and went back in the toilet and began the cleaning process.
The pan was a mess and there was no bog brush! Also the smell was filling up the flat ....again!!
I found some deodrant and gave it a good spray, and flushed the toilet 3 times, but still it looked like it had been loser in a mud wrestling contest.
There was only 1 thing for it, big hand full of paper and a bit of elbow!
I started to polish up the pan and was almost there thinking about how i better give the flat another burst of lynx, when my world came crashing in........and so did the customer!!!!
Tiler on his knees wiv his hand down the bog and a flat smelling of Lynx's new deodrant range called Alaskan Log, i'm sure the customer had every right to throw me out, but thankfully they saved me what very little dignaty a had left and went back out again.
WHY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
