jokes

[nybor62]

A man doing market research knocked on a door. He was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. He replied with candor, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."

 

[DHTiling]

:lol:......

 

[nybor62]

A plane leaves the Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese." "No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

"No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Pearl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence.

"No rike Jews!" the co-pilot suddenly announces.

"Why not?" asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic."

"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "it was an iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, Steinberg, no mattah...all same!"

 

[doug boardley]

My sex life with the wife is a bit like Star Wars at the moment.

I'm either doing it with my hands solo, or I'm having to use the force.

 

[doug boardley]

Wife looking at honeymoon brochure and said: " Let's try Greece this year...! ... Husband: "Why ? what's wrong with Vaseline....?

 

[Ian]

Not sure if this is a bit close to the wire, apologies if it is.


With hindsight I should have posted my facebook status as, " I have blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i " rather than " I've just screwed a 13 year old escort" Still, the police eventually saw the funny side.

 

[DHTiling]

From Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guest's complaints during the season.






1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger
nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should
be banned
3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

5. A tourist at a top African game lodge over looking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the
sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not
disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

11. "We bought' Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50)from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish..."

15. "The roads were uneven.."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners '-- now -- live abroad'."

20. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact
that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.

 

[DHTiling]

Little Johnny got kicked out of maths class today. The Teacher said to him: "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Claire and £5 to Katie, what would you have?" Apparently, three blowjobs and enough left for a kebab was not the answer the teacher was looking for!

 

[DHTiling]

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

Iron Man is a 'Superhero'....Iron Woman is a simple instruction..

 

[DHTiling]

Gary Glitter is rumoured to be the new Aston Villa manager after hearing the strikers were Young, Bent, and possibly Keane.

 

[nybor62]

Snow is like a Willy, it's measured in inches, is soft to the touch, cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you'd like it.
Driving in the snow is like eating *****.... If you dont slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole infront of you.
BE CAREFUL THIS WINTER

 

[nybor62]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said,

"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'' "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way, "What about all these biscuit purchases. What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?''

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick"

 

[Olz]

Why do elephants have big ears............

Because noddy wont pay the ransom.....

 

[Noaksy]

I was sat on the bus this morning when I noticed a beautiful young woman sitting next to me who was reading a book entitled " Strange but true sexual facts"
"Interesting ?" I remarked.
"yes" she replied, for instance, did you know the American red Indian has the longest penis in the world and an Irishman has the thickest? Oh im sorry she contiuned my names Helen and yours is?

"Tonto O'Riley!!!" I replied.

 

[Stewart]

Why is getting divorced so expensive...

Because it's worth it.