Man arrested after falling into farm machinery whilst trying to steal it... He is due to be bailed on Friday!
A male fly notices a rather attractive female fly lounging on a pile of cow manure. The male fly swoops down next to her and says, "Excuse me love but is this stool taken?"
Did you use to knock on doors and then run away when you were a kid? Good news… Yodel are hiring!
A Cadburys lorry and a Lego truck have collided on the motorway… Police say the road is choc a block!
Be careful when trying to gently squeeze the pump at the petrol station to get exactly 20 quid in… I've just missed it and it went to £38.66!
For those who don't want Alexa listening in on your conversations, they're making a male version... It doesn't listen to anything!
I've just seen a man with no arms cycle past me… I'm not sure of his name but his face rang a bell!
I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my sons train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it... I think I've managed to cover my tracks!
Every time I get something stuck in my throat, I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager… It's called the Heineken Manoeuvre!
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I've been trying to get hold of my judo instructor… But he's a hard man to pin down!
Got my water bill today for the last 3 months. £250! Then I saw an advert for Oxfam stating they can supply a whole village with water for £5 a month... Think I'll be changing my supplier!
An elderly wife in church turned to her husband and said, "I've just done a silent fart. What should I do?" Her husband said, "Change the batteries in your hearing aid!"
Strange new trend in the office. People putting names on food in the communal fridge… Today I had a cheese sandwich named Susan!
I went to the doctors this morning and I said I feel like I've got some cutlery stuck in my throat... The doctor had a look and said it's not serious you just need to have utensils taken out!
A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any so I sold him some laxatives." "You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" "Of course you can. He's now too scared to cough!"
I have an amazing superpower. I can melt ice cubes just by staring at them... Takes a while but it actually works!
Anybody lost £500 in cash held together with an elastic band? If so, I've found the elastic band!
We told the restaurant manager that our salads were a bit on the dry side… It was a situation that we felt needed addressing!
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I replied, "Dust!" And that's when the fight started...
Just went into a shop and said, "Can I pay by card?" The cashier said, "No problem, what card do you have?" I said, "The six of spades!"
A bloke in hospital is recovering from laser eye surgery. The surgeon comes in and asks if he wants the good news or the bad news first. The bloke excitedly asks for the good news. The surgeon says, "Well, you are about to get a new dog!"
At a wedding reception I recently attended, the host said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The barman was nearly crushed to death!
While many complain about life & the cost of living, I'm currently sitting on a £3k sofa, nice & cool in front of a £2k air-con unit, watching a £4k 70" TV. I'm happy & not a care in the world. Not even the employees at John Lewis who keep asking me to leave can spoil my day!
Councils across the UK rejoice after melting roads begin to fill in their own potholes!
I was rear-ended in my car by an ice-cream van... I'm now suffering from Mr Whippylash!
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I helped my neighbour this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you." I couldn't believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!
Left my job as a taxi driver... Sick of people talking behind my back!
A man knocked at my door and said, "Can I come in your house and talk about vacuuming your carpets?" I think he was a Je-hoover's witness!
What do we want? A cure for obesity. When do we want it? After lunch!
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My boss yelled at me this morning, "It's the fifth time you've been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?" I said, "It's Friday!"
Just spotted an albino Dalmatian… It was the least I could do!
Typical. No one turned up at Camouflage Club last night… Again!
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six." A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk. "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?" the wife asks. He replies, "They had avocados!"
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