Gooners 3 word thread

[user123]

you dont know how close we are to the mad house dissillusioned ect:8:

Why disillusioned, Jay, what's been happening while I was away??

 

[jay]

just check out elite section under dissillusioned and i cant think of the other one doug may remember :8:

breakfast tiler

 

[Deleted member 9966]

come on Dom, we're all on tenterhooks waiting for the next instalment

:lol:

 

[diamondtiling]

come on Dom, we're all on tenterhooks waiting for the next instalment

:lol:

I have it all typed out Liz, its just that I have been the pub this afternoon and have to be careful what I write, will post tomorrow. Hic.

:8::8:

 

[diamondtiling]

http://www.tilersforums.com/newreply.php?do=newreply&p=353465

 

[diamondtiling]

It wont let me load it for some reason..........

 

[DHTiling]

It is only a quote and needs text as well.

 

[diamondtiling]

I have the forum open on two pages Dave, I have it all typed out but when I press submit I get this message,

Your submission could not be processed because you have logged in since the previous page was loaded.

Please press the back button and reload the previous page ?

Pressed and reloaded but nothing happens, looks like i have to type it all again.

rrr:

 

[DHTiling]

2 ticks..

 

[DHTiling]

NO good.. try and copy paste into another thread or email it to me..

 

[diamondtiling]

Just thought it might be interesting to put the story together.

:yikes:


Once upon a time, there was a gay wedding party between two tilers who were called Dave and Dan. They met in tile giant after calling in because it was snowing and they were cold. A close friend of theirs called Wivers was also in the shop when without warning he got laid, luckily Liz ran in to find Gooner on his knees washing his tool in a washboy. Shop assistant Murf tripped over some lippage and fell into Doug's arms who in turn fell onto a rubi whilst drinking a glass of wine, "oh my God!" wivers gasped aloud, "nice ginger nuts you have gooner, do you come here often?"
Meanwhile Dave was holding Dan against a wall and was groping his bum, he whispered quietly "take wivers mankini off my effin grout float man"
Bertha then joined in and jumped both of them.
Without a word Dan walked out and slipped quietly behind Liz which was for him a very nice experience, she meanwhile was pondering her options of getting well laid whilst holding some uncalibrated tiles. "Its not safe without proper protection" a salesman said, "but I do like your equipment Liz, theres not many of those to a pound"

"You cheeky sod", said Liz, "you must be a forum member?" I am going to stick this straight up your Kyber pass" said the salesman, "carry on style"
Just then the shop manager Sid james, asked, "whats up matron?"
"I need coffee" she said, "and where the hell is that TJ?"
TJ answered from the stores " I have a confession to make about my ring, its got hairs on it" I stuck a batton and a cucumber where the sun doesn't shine and it hurts.
Meanwhile Wivers suddenly appeared with a dark rum and was clearly around the bend, "I can see the starting point of your back alley through all that volcanic ash" He was clearly deluded.
"Do it now!" he insisted "right here now!, bend over!, your going to get disciplined so get ready because here it comes, it might be a problem though if its a dirty tool so pass the wipes in case its leaking"
"Oh Christ, cover your face, the ball valves jammed, its gonna blow!!!" wivers shouted.
"NO YOUR NOT SPENT YET!!!" said Liz "keep going"
Gooner appeared and moaned that he needed some money to get himself a swedish au pair from the internet to marry him, "don't tell the wife" he whispered. Whitebeam turned up and offered some vaseline in case things went pear shaped.
Outside Doug was raising the flagpole with the good old red, white and blue but after watching all the commotion through the window he manged to raise the South African flag and cause a scandal in Scotland.

Prime minister Cameron happened to be in the shop and asked "where is grumpy and timeless john?" "Tj is asleep because he needs more coffee, he has had a big packet of salty peanuts and they have played havoc with his ring of fire" said Dave. "We tried gaviscon but it just burned a hole straight through it causing major........................

The story continues.................:lol::lol:

:builder2:

problems with Doug's fur lined underwear which he had had specially made for comfort except the rear where he had a large sign strapped to his bum saying "NO ACCESS!! (apart from cute tilers and pretty tradesman)

"Its very tight around these parts" said wivers as he scratched his groin area. "Has anyone seen Dan or the fire brigade?" he asked in a very gay voice.
"I think Liz is pregnant!" remarked CJ whilst sucking on his thumb.
Doug suddenly called out to Liz who was preparing stale sandwiches for everyone, "wait Liz, I have a hard hat on my helmet and I really need to crack one off in the tilers arms!" he shouted in a strained voice.
"just do it Doug" she said, "no one will see you"
Doug then grabbed at Liz's huge jugs (of orange juice)
She looked him up and down and then down and then down again, "ohh Douglas" she said, "how red it is, surely you must get carpet burns?" she whispered in his ear.
Doug by now was gasping for air so Liz suggested they lie down on her new shag pile rug which was laid on top of her chipboard flooring.
"Should I get primed Elizabeth?" he asked.
"What! without tanking?" exclaimed Liz, "it will get wet"
"But what about expansion Liz?" whispered Doug
"This is just too much!" shouted Liz, "can you just please stop and get behind me and push with all your might, and dont fall off" she cooed.
"Jockeys don't fall off" said Doug proudly.
"but your not a jockey" exclaimed Liz.
"Oh no, I'm not am I" said Doug, "got a bit carried away there"

Suddenly it snapped but a nurse from the local hospital happened to be walking past and mended it with a splint.

Doug then left to tile Liz's bathroom and try to incorporate a vertical border onto her uneven walls, "I will sort it Liz" he called over his shoulder, "just as soon as I can get someone to help with my very large bag of tools"

Liz was not listening to Doug, she was showing a keen interest in a large baseball bat that she affectionately called Bertha. She kept Bertha near to hand at all times in case wivers went a bit crazy after announcing to the world that he was coming out of the closet.

Meanwhile back in the shop Dave and Dan had managed to find a closet of their own and quickly got stuck into one and other :yikes: unknown to them Doug was watching through a peep hole.
Gisela walked in and said "Oooh errr matron, where the hell are ally's underpants Dave, they really need to go to the cleaners, and whilst we are at it, can we get the beer out of Liz's bra?"
"Bra, flagoons, jugs!, its all the same" said Dom, "they are top secret mate and it would be mission impossible...............unless we can persuade some camp cowboys from way out west near to broke back mountain to have a butchers, they are such tough guys with their steeds and their spurs and their milk, they would like to whip Jay and ride him senseless"
"What have I done to deserve all this attention?" asked Jay, "I know I caught a rash from wivers and its really itchy"
"I think Gisela would be the one to get rid of all the warts and knobs" chirped Whitebeam with a distant look on his face, "medication is the only way to treat these deviant perpetrators that appear in mens magazines, have you seen the angle of some of their dangly bits?" he asked.

All the time Dan could be seen in his replica porche playing with his knob, sorry gearstick. He yearned for the day when he would have a bigger, H box shift.
Doug was contemplating getting home and trying on a pretty frock he had bought after finishing work early. Now that he was a part time housekeeper he thought he should try and at least look the part, "never look a gift horse in the mouth" he thought to himself.

Wivers was looking back at Doug in anger, he was very jealous of Doug's cross dressing, "Ha ha," thought Doug, with a big Cheshire cat grin on his face, " I get the cream and all you get is a big wet fish"
Wivers would have been happy to have known Doug's thoughts because he can do a lot with a wet fish. He was angry because of the loose hairs that were stuck to his big tool, "ah well," he thought, "at least its at a nice angle and flopping about for all to see"
Just then Liz dropped down onto all fours in front of him but Dom beat her to it closely followed by Russ who had taken a long run up but was distracted by Doug's bum.
Not to be outdone Liz quickly erected her pole and greased it up, she was full of venom just like a snake, "Just like a windscreen viper!" shouted Phil Hobson.........every gave Phil a quizzical look. She buffed her pole up so that it shone and Dave remarked that her bum was as red a sore nose?

"Will you hurry!" Gisela shouted at wivers.
"There will be no more sharp objects up my rear end" complained wivers.
"I am not surprised" remarked Gisela, you only have one decent ball, the other is held on with gaffer tape!"
Wivers looked away and then decided to look up Doug's skirt to see what colour underwear he was wearing for the weekend.
Captain slow was dreaming of a time when he was wearing just his boots and had a sheep for company............"Oh the aroma" he remembered.


Dave liked the look of fear on Joe's face and quietly walked over to him, he mouthed the words "wivers mankini" but Brian C heard him, "best thing I have seen since Glastonbury" he said, I had my loo roll, bin bags and a six pack but they dont last long when you share a tent with wivers, oh the memories" he shouted whilst doing a little gay jig. "He used to hold the ceiling up with his tent pole and TJ would gratefully grease it for him and then use it as a pole dancer does" said Brian in a dreamy voice, "but Liz was always on hand in case wivers got carried away with the anticipation of a loud wet fart, what beauties he produced" he added.

Gooner was always close at hand with his merry welsh boys to clean up any mess left by Gisela.

Part 3 to follow, Phew..............:8::8:

 

[DHTiling]

:lol::lol::lol:

 

[jay]

your good cant stop crying in laughter:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

[doug boardley]

very well narrated Dom rofl:lol:

 

[diamondtiling]

Is an update needed here or is it too blue? The original thread of Daves seems to refer a lot to Liz? Cant think why :smilewinkgrin:

I will wait for a majority vote either way.

 

[Deleted member 9966]

Is an update needed here or is it too blue? The original thread of Daves seems to refer a lot to Liz? Cant think why :smilewinkgrin:

I will wait for a majority vote either way.

hmmm, perhaps not.

 

[user123]

Dead funny, don't change a thing... :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[diamondtiling]

Dead funny, don't change a thing... :lol: :lol: :lol:

The lady from the mods says no, perhaps a poll? I will be extremely kind to Liz.

 

[hillhead]

:lol::lol::lol:

 

[Diamond Pool Finishers]

great stuff i was crying with laughter :lol::lol::lol: