G
Gazzer
**_NELSON AT TRAFALGAR 2009_**
**Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."**
**Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."**
**Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the
meaning of this?"**
**Hardy: "Sorry sir?"**
** **
**Nelson (reading aloud):**
** " ****England**** expects every person to do his or her duty,
regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or
disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"**
** **
**Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting '**
**England**** ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."**
** **
**Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."**
** **
**Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
smoke-free working environments."**
** **
**Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration.. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."**
** **
**Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."**
** **
**Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
........... full speed ahead."**
** **
**Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."**
** **
**Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
nest please."**
** **
**Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."**
** **
**Nelson: "What?"**
** **
**Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They
won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."**
** **
**Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."**
** **
**Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck
Admiral."**
** **
**Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."**
** **
**Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a
barrier-free environment for the differently abled."**
** **
**Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card."**
** **
**Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented
in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."**
** **
**Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."**
** **
**Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"**
** **
**Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy."**
** **
**Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."**
** **
**Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"**
** **
**Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."**
** **
**Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"**
** **
**Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."**
** **
**Nelson: "We're not?"**
** **
**Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in
this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."**
** **
**Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."**
** **
**Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."**
** **
**Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King."**
** **
**Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your
life"**
** **
**Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"**
** **
**Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."**
** **
**Nelson: "What about sodomy?"**
** **
**Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."**
**Nelson: "In that case................................ kiss me, Hardy.**
**Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."**
**Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."**
**Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the
meaning of this?"**
**Hardy: "Sorry sir?"**
** **
**Nelson (reading aloud):**
** " ****England**** expects every person to do his or her duty,
regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or
disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"**
** **
**Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting '**
**England**** ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."**
** **
**Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."**
** **
**Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
smoke-free working environments."**
** **
**Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration.. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."**
** **
**Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."**
** **
**Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
........... full speed ahead."**
** **
**Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."**
** **
**Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
nest please."**
** **
**Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."**
** **
**Nelson: "What?"**
** **
**Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They
won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."**
** **
**Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."**
** **
**Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck
Admiral."**
** **
**Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."**
** **
**Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a
barrier-free environment for the differently abled."**
** **
**Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card."**
** **
**Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented
in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."**
** **
**Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."**
** **
**Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"**
** **
**Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy."**
** **
**Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."**
** **
**Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"**
** **
**Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."**
** **
**Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"**
** **
**Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."**
** **
**Nelson: "We're not?"**
** **
**Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in
this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."**
** **
**Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."**
** **
**Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."**
** **
**Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King."**
** **
**Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your
life"**
** **
**Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"**
** **
**Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."**
** **
**Nelson: "What about sodomy?"**
** **
**Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."**
**Nelson: "In that case................................ kiss me, Hardy.**
