Weekend jokes

[doug boardley]

a weekend joke is not to be joked at, it's called impotence

 

[doug boardley]

a young lady layed out in the morgue, being cleaned up after being found dead on a beach. Halfway through, the mortician says to his apprentice,
"I'm off for some lunch, you're experienced enough now to finish things here"
After a long lunch the mortician gets back to the morgue, and asks the apprentice,
"Everything go ok with the clean up?"
The apprentice shuffles a bit and says
"Yes, apart from the young lady has a prawn stuck in her lady bits!"
The mortician (mortified that he has missed this) examines the young lady closer and says to his apprentice,
"You buffoon, that's not a prawn, it's a clitoris!"
The apprentice retorts,
"Well, it TASTED like a prawn!!"

 

[DHTiling]

The love story of Ralph and Edna...

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.


He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.


Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.


The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'


Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

 

[user123]

Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

​

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,​

'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'
​

The fairy godmother replied,

'It is the least that I can do.

What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,

'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,

'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

'Bet you're sorry now that you had my b**** cut off'
​

 

[cornish_crofter]

Man walks into a bar....


Ouch!

 

[Spud]

Paddy Murphy Ireland's best golfer was having a round of golf ,he was at the first tee and played his first shot straight into a wooded area near the fairway, second shot he hits it as hard as he can, the ball hits a tree bounces straight back at his forehead and kills him stone dead ,
As Paddy arrives at the pearly gates St. Peter smirks and says " good golfer" paddy looks back at him and replies "I got here in 2 didnt I ?"

 

[cornish_crofter]

Man in a bar turns around to the guy sitting next to him, and says "Do you want to hear this really good blonde joke?"

The 2nd man says "You're blind aren't you?"

1st mas responds "How did you know that?"

2nd man responds "Well, you obviously don't know that I'm blonde, as are the two women who are with me, The barmaid is blond and so is the bouncer. That makes 5 blonde people in hearing distance. Now, are you sure you still want to tell your joke?"

1st man "Nah, not if I have to explain it 5 times".

 

[cornish_crofter]

What term is given to a blonde who has dyed her hair a different colour?

Artificial intelligence.

 

[doug boardley]

difference between delia smith and a cross country run... one is a pant in the country...

 

[user123]

Anyone Here


Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away:

"Hello! We're down here..."