Jokes (please dont take offence)

[jay]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

 

[jay]

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

 

[jay]

Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

 

[jay]

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?'

'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

 

[jay]

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little *******s!'..

 

[kilty55]

hehe i like it jay

 

[jay]

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP ( miss-match ) A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!! Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and Registration, Please.” London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration;and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the **** out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

 

[The Legend; Phil Hobson RIP]

Nice one Jay,:lol:

 

[PHG Dave]

Husband Down A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. ”What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

 

[PHG Dave]

Fable of the hedgehog
It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The hedgehogs, realizing the situation,
decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one
wounded their closest companions. After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and
they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or
disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds
caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the warmth that came from the others.
This way they were able to survive. The best relationship is not the one that brings together
perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other
person's good qualities.


So I have sent you this because the moral of the story is......

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO LIVE WITH THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE

 

[Gazzer]

Have you heard about the new dating agency for Welshmen?
It's called Ewe Tube.

My wife had a "near death experience" the other morning. Silly sod thought she could do the hoovering when the RUGBY was on.

In a kindergarten in downtown Chicago, little Leroy was asked, "What sort of noise does a pig make?"
He answered quite innocently,"FREEZEMUTHAFxxxA."

 

[PHG Dave]

Nymphomaniac Convention
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him. "Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiling enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in New York ..."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to occupy that position.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are without a doubt the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

 

[PHG Dave]

Last one for the night


Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,But she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his Pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, "The b*****d used coins!"




Management lesson:

Always consider a busess proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

 

[Colour Republic]

hmmmmm

 

[DHTiling]

Wife says to husband "u only ever want sex when ur drunk"husband says "thats nt true....... sometimes i want a kebab"

 

[DHTiling]

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut the Hell up and go to sleep!"

 

[DHTiling]

The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue
dogs they sent out .
They said they were delicious!

 

[Colour Republic]

The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue
dogs they sent out .
They said they were delicious!

ohhhhhhhhh

 

[The D]

A man is sat cleaning his shotgun his wife pops hear headaround the corner to see if he wants a cup of tea the man accidentally shootshear. In a panic he calls 999 and says I have killed my wife what do I do? Theman on the phone said first thing to do is make sure she is dead. OK said thehusband I will do that BANG OK she is definitely dead what next?

 

[jay]

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

 

[jay]

Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

 

[widler]

One day, a father and his 15 year old son are in the bus.The son sees a stunning redhead and yells, 'hey babe, you've got some nice ****!'The father, a religious man, thinks his son needs correction and sends him to a catholic boarding school.Six months later the son comes home for the weekend, and again he and his father are on the bus.A nice blonde with a huge rack is sitting opposite of them. The father wants to know if the school learned him better manners, so he says: 'son, have you seen that blonde? What nice breasts!''Well', the son says, 'what would one do with breasts... But have you seen that bus drivers arse!?'


---
I am here: http://maps.google.com/maps?ll=53.800191,-2.266446

 

[Gazzer]

A lady checked into a motel to celebrate her 60th birthday, but she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book and found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a coin off his well oiled bum. She figured, "What the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call."

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"

Oh my, he sounded soooo sexy!

Afraid that she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage - I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything; I'm ready! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic - but you need to press 9 first for an outside line."

 

[jay]

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson !'

 

[DHTiling]