Two nuns

[macten]

Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled.
I laughed at the irony.
Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.

 

[macten]

Yesterday evening, I had to change a lightbulb. A bit later on, I crossed the road and walked into a bar.

I realised my life was a big joke.

 

[macten]

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on anti-climaxes.

The librarian says, "Certainly sir, you can find a range of books on the first floor in section A".
The man thanks him, finds a suitable book, rents it out with his card and could not have been more courteous.

 

[macten]

Interesting Human Body Facts


- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.

- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball).

- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.

- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.

- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.

- Women blink twice as much as men.

- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.

- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!

- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.

- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

*** You looked at your thumb... Didn't you?

 

[macten]

Call it a hunch, but I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.

 

[macten]

My mate asked if I wanted to play electric shock monopoly.

I jumped at the chance.

 

[macten]

A man has been run over by a reversing car.

Police are appealing for the driver to come forward.

 

[macten]

If I had a penny for every time someone said I have OCD, I'd have 967274 pence.

 

[macten]

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my house.

I didn't know what to make of it.

 

[macten]

My driving instructor told me that I should wear a seatbelt because if I were to crash, the force could throw me out of the car.

I can't believe that he thinks Star Wars is real.

 

[macten]

Me and the wife stopped at the services recently for some breakfast. We got two fry ups, two coffees and two jam doughnuts. I got to the cashier and I said, "I'm sorry, love, but I only have a £50 note."
"That's okay," she said, "just put the doughnuts back."

 

[macten]

I'm fed up of people challenging my ethics and saying I don't do enough to better the world. Even my coat is recycled...

...it used to be a leopard.

 

[macten]

I am in the army and my sergeant said to me, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!"

To which I replied, "Oh, thank you very much, sir!

 

[macten]

I have C.D.O.

It's like O.C.D. but all the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be.

 

[macten]

My girlfriend has left me a note:

"I'm leaving you because you're so stupid and bigoted."

Well I'm not stupid, I'm just dyslexic. And I can't help it if I have big toes.