Weekend jokes

[user123]

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"

 

[doug boardley]

what have a woman and a piano got in common? if they're not upright, they're grand!! 🙂oops::ban🙂

 

[gaz man]

Paddys in bed with his wife at 2 in the morning when the phone rings. Paddy answers and says ring the coastgaurd! Wife says who was that? Dunno replies paddy some silly sod wanting to know if the coast was clear!

 

[python]

murphy calls to see his mate paddy who has a broken leg.. paddy says, me feet are freezing. could you nip upstairs and fetch me slippers.? no bother he says and runs upstairs.. there are paddy's two stunning 19 yr old daughters sitting on thier bed, hi girls, your dad sent me up here to shag you both. you liar they said. ill prove it said murphy, so he shouts down, both of them pat? of course, what the use of f,,king one? 😳

 

[village tiling]

3 guys go for a job interview!!
first guy goes in and the boss says b4 we start the interview do u notice anything unusual about me? the guy says yeah you have wonkey ears ones high and ones low!!! the boss says get out im not employing you!!

2nd guy goes in.. boss says b4 we start do you notice anything unusual bout me? guy says yes you have wonkey ears ones high and ones low.. boss says get out im not employing you!!

3rd guy goes in.. boss says b4 we start do you notice anythin unusual bout me the guy says yes!! you wear contect lenses.. the boss says wow how do you know that??
the guy says..thers no way anyone could wear glasses with f***ing ears like that!!!

 

[Gazzer]

Englishman, scotsman and Irishman apply for a job.
Englishman walks into the interview room and a man at a desk holds out both arms " which one is my right hand" says the man, The Englishman points to the righthand of the man. "Ok wait outside"

When he gets outside he tells the Scotsman and Irishman what happened. "easy question" he says and " just tell him which is his right hand" and the Englishman raises his right arm.

Scotsman walks in and the same thing happpens.

When he gets back to the other Englishman and Irishman he tells his story and raises his right arm.

The Irishman walks in and finds the man at a basin washing his hands and shouts " For christ sake dont shuffle them"

 

[DHTiling]

Jokes are good......BUT lets keep the swearing down please.....especially python...:yikes:

 

[python]

sorry mate. tried to edit it but cant, please just remove it as its not worth a telling off from yourself and a mod too,. cheers

 

[user123]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??"

 

[sstilingservice]

Here's one for you girlies

LOYAL WIFE




There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.


Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me.'


And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.


Well, he died . . .

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait, just a minute!'


She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket..

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.


Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'


The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'


'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!! ?'

'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'


Moral of the story: Women are cleverer than Men .....