Weekend jokes

[user123]

Profitable Bets ...
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day. Carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a
savings account because, "It´s a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president´s office (the customer is always right)!

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.

She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came
by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma´am, I´m surprised you´re carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I´ll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That´s a) outrageous,
and b) a stupid bet.
You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, I´ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there
is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls,
turning from side to side, again and again.

He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president´s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and
repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president´s balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all
see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot
of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell´s the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I´d have The Bank of Canada´s president´s balls in my hand."

 

[user123]

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Dad," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grown ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

 

[user123]

Name Change
Judge: "You say you’re petitioning for a legal name change?"

Leon: "Yes, your honor."

Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, your nane is Mr... Leon ****ferbrains, is it?"

Leon: "Yes, your honor."

Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. ****ferbrains?"

Leon: " Melvin, your honor."

 

[Time's Ran Out]

My daughters favourite!

'Why did Tigger put his head down the toilet'?
He was looking for Pooh!

John.

 

[sWe]

Name Change
Judge: "You say you’re petitioning for a legal name change?"

Leon: "Yes, your honor."

Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, your nane is Mr... Leon ****ferbrains, is it?"

Leon: "Yes, your honor."

Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. ****ferbrains?"

Leon: " Melvin, your honor."

Along the same lines...

A man had a meeting with a magistrate, whom he was going to petition for a legal name change...

Magistrate: Why do you want to change name, Mr...?

Man: Hitler...

Magistrate: Ah, I see.

Man: Yeah, to think that my parents, or grandparents for that matter, haven't changed name already.

Magistrate: Yes, that's an awful name. What would you like to be called instead?

Man: Goebbels.

Magistrate: :yikes:

 

[user123]

They get worse, don't they, sWe... :lol:

 

[user123]

Blame my daily google page joke of the day for this... but you know, sadly I did find this funny, getting quite worried about my own sense of humour...

Productive Salesmanship ...
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. "$2,467.00" he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher..."How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, ’Hey, this tastes like sh*t!’.
Then I would say, ’It IS sh*t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?’

 

[doug boardley]

just tried to phone the "swine fever" hotline, but it's crackling!

 

[village tiling]

Blame my daily google page joke of the day for this... but you know, sadly I did find this funny, getting quite worried about my own sense of humour...

Productive Salesmanship ...
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. "$2,467.00" he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher..."How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, ’Hey, this tastes like sh*t!’.
Then I would say, ’It IS sh*t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?’

teacher says too class 'i want you to tell me a sentence that contains the word CONTAGIOUS'

little sally stands up 'My father once had a cold and it was very CONTAGIOUS'

very good says the teacher!!

little jenny stands up ' theres been a lot on the news about swine flu apparently it is very CONTAGIOUS'

very good says the teacher!!

next up was little johnny of course ' me and my dad were walking down the street when we seen a man painting a very big fence with a little tiny brush and my dad said..its gunna take that AGES to finish that!!!!!!

 

[cornish_crofter]

Why was the frog banned from the library??

Because it always jumped from book to book, saying REDDIT when it landed on them!